


this is not how it happens

by Ymae



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Delphine and Sarah bonding time, F/F, Gen, Terminal Illness, ish, they talk?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-24 20:04:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21105239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ymae/pseuds/Ymae
Summary: Sarah follows Cosima to the island. Instead of encountering Rachel, she finds Cosima half-frozen in the woods.They're led to the village, and Sarah and Delphine have a talk.





	this is not how it happens

**Author's Note:**

> Uh, hi. Honestly, this is something I pretty much wrote on impulse because I had Feelings, so you're the judge of how much sense it makes.  
Thank you for reading. I'd love to know your thoughts! :)

She’s led into the village, sagged into herself, clutching a little girl with wide eyes, a replica of her younger self, and her face is so pale it doesn’t look like she’s breathing at all.

Delphine almost stumbles. It feels like there are a thousand strings wrapped around her heart, keeping it from bursting, cutting as they do.

She doesn’t know how Cosima lands in her arms. Her skin is ice cold, speckles of blood visible on her lips as Delphine holds her close, feels her shallow breaths on her skin, Cosima’s eyes looking at her like they’re not seeing at all.

Suddenly, she sags. She’s unimaginably frail compared to when Delphine first met her, compared to her sisters, even to Rachel. She sags into Delphine’s arms and Delphine holds her up, holds her as close as she can, wraps the blanket around her, so focused on Cosima she doesn’t even feel the single tear tracing down her cheek.

They cut open Cosima’s clothes and Delphine’s just glad they’re not cutting her open. Layers upon layers. There’s a little blood speckled on the hem of her jacket and shirts, just splashes there and there that make the strings around Delphine’s heart tighten.

She commands the people around Cosima’s bed all the while thinking _no, no, no, _she can’t be here, she needs to be safe and free, all the while thinking about how soon Cosima’s time would have been up, how likely she was to have frozen to death. 

Cosima’s eyes are open but they don’t see. They’re looking into Delphine’s direction but too glassy for a reaction.

“_Leave us,_” Delphine instructs, strips down, and there’s never been a moment less sexy than this. She lies beside Cosima, wraps her arms around her, _“I’ll keep you warm,” _presses a hand to her chest, _still breathing, _holds her close, wraps her in tight. 

_324B21 has expired. _ It’s a sentence that’s been haunting her since the day with Cosima on that couch,  _“I’m sick, Delphine.” _ Delphine could never think of her that way, not since Cosima led her into her life so easily and openly, knowing Delphine was her monitor, not since Cosima’s smile, not since her hands playing with her hair, not since Delphine’s whole world had made an overnight  180 degree turn and centered around a new sun. 

Since the moment Cosima had rushed into Delphine’s life, a subject, a lab rat, a beautiful bright scientist, Delphine’s every action had started to rotate around her. Keeping her close after every betrayal. Crossing five thousand lines to make sure Cosima would never choke to death on her  own blood like Jennifer did. To make sure she wouldn’t lose her energy so rapidly her body couldn’t keep her heart beating. To make sure she didn’t run out of every last breath she had to give.  To make sure Cosima wouldn’t be another dead body owned by Dyad, a number, an expired subject, a dead lab rat. 

Delphine couldn’t even remember her purpose, her life, before she’d known Cosima. Didn’t remember a time with goals other than keeping her safe. 

And Cosima had so much love to give, so many smiles and touches and sparkling eyes. Dimming down as her illness progressed, as their situation got direr, as the means Delphine reached for to protect her blew up in her face, but always, a last sparkle, nonetheless.

* * *

But of course, this is not how it happens.

Because Cosima’s not just one, she’s a few. And Delphine has spent the last months figuring out what it meant to love all of them. Rachel, with her insides like shark teeth, Delphine had excluded from her promise; Rachel would gladly mark a red _X _across Cosima’s face, and this is the one thing that Delphine will never tolerate. The Hendrixes are an easy, semi-normal family that reminds Delphine of her childhood. Beth was a tragedy; Beth is what Cosima could have been if she didn’t have science and that sparkle in her eyes, what she could become if she ever lost her true core. Helena is a psychopath, but, if Cosima could be believed, a lovable one, with two babies in her belly, Cosima’s nieces or nephews, and Delphine has far fewer problems with her than one should think.

Then there’s Sarah. The wild card. The self-made unwitting center of the Leda project. Who Delphine had met thinking she was Cosima, kissing her in front of all of Dyad, when Sarah had stolen Leekie’s key card and kicked Rachel’s ass. Sarah with Siobhan and Felix and Kira. Delphine trusts her most of all while also the least. Sarah has proven time and time again that she would go to any lengths for her family, and the only thing Delphine has yet to verify is how steadfastly that family includes Cosima.

Delphine knows Sarah doesn’t trust her, but who does these days, really?

But it’s Sarah who’s following closely behind Cosima as the old man leads her into the village. It’s Sarah shuffling to make sure Charlotte isn’t forgotten when Cosima can’t. It’s Sarah who’s throwing a mix of suspicion and something akin to sympathy Delphine’s way as Cosima collapses into her arms. It’s Sarah following closely behind, making sure Cosima is taken care of, only disappearing when Delphine pleads that she needs to keep her warm, swears that she will not let anything happen to her. It’s Sarah who’s come to the island because she does consider Cosima a part of her ride-or-die inner family circle. It’s Sarah who’d followed the trail of blood Cosima’s coughing had left behind, who’d discovered Cosima on the brink of death in the middle of the woods, Charlotte in her arms. It’s Sarah who’d let the old man lead them to the village because however untrustworthy she deemed the entire world, one look at Cosima and it was obvious she couldn’t do it alone.

It’s Sarah, one of the people Delphine had promised to love. And she now discovers the error in her thoughts. The problem is not that she doesn’t love Cosima’s sisters; the problem is that the moment she holds her close, everything else fades away. The problem is that she can love all of them, but she will always love Cosima more.

* * *

“How is she?”

Delphine tucks a strand of matted hair on the side of Cosima’s sweat-drenched face. Her skin is still colder to the touch than she’d like, colder than it should be considering she’s lying under three blankets with a heated body next to hers, but Delphine can leave her alone for a second without being afraid she’s going to fade away.

“Not dying.”

“_I think I’m dying.”_

“_No, no, you’re not. I won’t let you.” _

“Yeah, she’s kinda dying, though, isn’t she?” Sarah’s mouth lifts upwards a little, an awkward chuckle to contrast the sadness in her eyes as she lingers in the doorway. “But at least she’s not gonna freeze to death, so that’s a bloody relief.” 

“It is.” Delphine reluctantly breaks away from the skin-to-skin contact, cupping Cosima’s cheek one last time before she slips free from under the blankets. Sarah doesn’t seem fazed by Delphine’s state of undress—neither of them does, they’re too tangled up in this mess to be shy—and Delphine quickly slips on her clothes, shooting glances at Cosima breathing under her covers. She can’t let go of her, not even of her sight, after all this time of having no part of her. 

She’s not going to tell Sarah about the cure; in her narrative, Rachel took all of it, and Cosima can decide to rewrite it once she’s up and well. 

“How are you, Sarah?” Delphine asks, pulling on her sweater. Sarah’s in a worn leather jacket, muddy jeans, her same old boots, so she must not have cooperated with the village. Not that Delphine expected her to. “I heard Rachel stabbed Susan, and I was wondering if she’d gotten to you, too.” 

“She did?” Sarah seems thrown off for a second but catches herself just as quickly. “Yeah, well, I didn’t go into the house. I found the blood trail before I could. I should be glad the blood was just Cosima’s bloody disease, but, you know, she’s not getting any better. I just came here to take her home.” 

Home. What’s that now, Delphine wonders. Cosima’s apartment? No, she’s not well enough to be living on her own. Felix’s loft? Shay’s place? 

Delphine itches to ask about Shay, petty jealousy burning under her nails, jealousy that’s a safety hazard for the poor woman, but something—and it can’t just be wishful thinking—tells her that Cosima never did try to fix things with Shay.

Delphine wants her to be happy, of course, she does. But she hasn’t been allowed to think about that. Cosima’s happiness. It’s all about her life, for now; for the past months, Delphine has been getting snippets, rewards, every few weeks a  _to our knowledge, 324B21 is still breathing, _ but the days between that, the hours, Delphine  has had to wonder. Did Cosima have a seizure the day since the last update? Did she choke on her blood in her sleep? If she’s still doing well physically, did she get stabbed by a Castor? Shot by  Dyad ? 

“What the bloody hell, Delphine?” Sarah says, and for a moment, Delphine wonders if she can read her thoughts. But Sarah’s face is just now heating up as she steps closer to the middle of the hut, the hands that were buried in her jacket pockets now by her sides. She doesn’t talk with her hands like Cosima does, but there’s a different, cold-burning energy to her anger that Delphine respects. 

“You were alive all this time? You know you’ve been screwing Cosima over since you two met, but did you even realize just how bad it is? You know, even with everything going on with your bloody Neolution friends—”

“They are not my friends.”

“—with all of her losing her appetite and getting weaker, she actually did miss you. S noticed. Everyone noticed. And we were all worried about you and crap, how you’d been shot by Dyad and protecting Cos all along, but that’s just bullshit, isn’t it? You’ve been playing a game none of us gets. Cosima’s been blaming herself, you know that?” 

“Sarah—”

“But you kicked Cos and Scott out of Dyad, and I don’t care if she quit or not, it’s been hell for her health. How much did they tell you in this shite place? They tell you how they shot Kendall Malone right in front of her? Destroyed her entire research and then told her you were dead?”

“Merde,” Delphine whispers, a hand in front of her mouth, sinking back next to Cosima on the bed. She looks at her, steadily breathing, dark shadows painted over her face like permanent fixtures, “I’m sorry, chérie,” she says quietly, pushing back tears. 

When she looks back up at Sarah, her eyes are shining with them. Knowing she had Cosima’s forgiveness, Cosima’s understanding, got her through the days, but Sarah thinking her sister delusional for it makes Delphine question all of that.

When Delphine meets Sarah’s eyes, some of the anger has melted from Sarah’s face. There’s only a kind of desperation in there that speaks of a will to live, an urge to understand still burning in Sarah.

“Seeing you all cooped up with her, taking care of her and all that, it’s got me wondering again, you know, if you’re genuine,” Sarah says. “But then I can’t understand. Why, Delphine? Why break up with her? Why hurt her? Why disappear? Why?” 

It’s a broken record by now, in Delphine’s head, the  _why. _ Asking herself over and over again if it’s worth it. Not if Cosima is worth it; that answer is clear and bright, somehow the only steady thing in Delphine’s ever-changing environment. The question is if the lines Delphine crosses, the hurt she leaves behind, if the  _why _ justifies the  _what _ and  _where _ and  _to whom. _

There’s been one answer that’s kept her going. Delphine can’t even think about anything other than that.

“This I can promise, Sarah, everything I’ve done, everything I am doing, is to protect her.” 

Somehow, that answer doesn’t make Sarah stop in her tracks, pause her line of reasoning like it always does with Cosima. 

“Protection is not love, Delphine,” she says tiredly. “If I all I did was protect Kira, I wouldn’t let her near me again. But I love her, so I want her to be happy, to spend time with her, all that. And she’s just a kid. She’s happy when I spend a day painting with her. You’ve gotta give Cosima more than that. I get you’re her guardian angel high up or whatever, but you can’t lose her as a person along the way. Or you’re just as bad as them with their tag numbers, you hear me?”

“Cosima is so much more than just a number!” Delphine flares, jumping up from the mattress. “I understood that the moment I met her. I do love her, and that is why I am doing all of this. But none of that matters if she is dead!”

“Yeah, it matters! If she’d died while you were stuck on this bloody island, don’t tell me there would have been anything for you to do. And she got bloody close, okay, Delphine? We all did.” 

“I know!” Tears stream out of Delphine’s eyes, useless tears that have no space in the life she’s leading, the life she’s leading towards an end goal where Cosima is healthy and alive. A goal that’s, absurdly, closer than it has ever been. “I just want what’s best for her. I can’t think of a way to make you understand that.” 

“Why don’t you let Cos decide what’s best for her? We’re all struggling enough with being tagged and owned, right, so why not just work with her? She’s still pretty capable of thinking.” 

“Because she sees herself as part of a whole,” Delphine whispers, “and I’ve tried, but when I look at her for too long, all I see is _her_.” 

The silence that stretches out now is  breathless, like a bird suspended in the air. 

“That’s good, though,” Sarah answers after a while. “It’s good, right? It’s a start.” She takes a step towards Delphine, her knees shaking from all she’s been put through today and before that, from all the insanity that comes from being the hunted and the negotiator in changing terms. Sarah takes a step towards Delphine, with the tears smeared across Delphine’s face and the single track of water leading across Sarah’s, and without speaking, they both sit down on Cosima’s bedside, staring at her breathing. 

“I hate seeing her like this again,” Sarah breaks the silence once again. “That bloody cannula.”

“Me too. But it’s necessary. It’s keeping her breathing.”

Sarah looks sideways at Delphine staring at Cosima. 

“Go on. Hold her hand. I can see it in your eyes you want to.”

Delphine nods shakily, feeling for Cosima’s hand under the covers, entwining her fingers with her own.

“Tell me she’s going to be alright,” Sarah says, not a demand, not a plea. Maybe a question.

Delphine thinks for a moment she can feel Cosima’s hands squeezing her own. But it must have been her imagination.

She will, though, once she wakes up.

Delphine nods in Sarah’s direction, noticing how Sarah’s eyes, too, are on Cosima.

“She is going to be okay. I promise.” 


End file.
